Hello. It’s been a while since I have written up a report of a gig. This is down to an unfortunate combination of (a) gross lethargy of my part, and (b) the fickle fact of my playing an unfortunate smattering of underwhelming, borderline disconsolate gigs. So instead of naming and shaming the various promoters whose specialism appears to be savagely sabotaging the same gigs that they allegedly promote, I thought I would give a handy list of some of my top tips how (not) to put on gigs in LondonTown. Brace yourselves.

What not to do when promoting a gig:

(1) Get your doorman to aggressively frisk/grope the clientele for bottles of water or other contraband before entering the venue.

 (2) Put the names of the wrong artists/bands on your website. Or the right names spelt wrongly. Or not to put their names on at all.

(3) Put on a gig consisting of acts spanning both genres of solo acoustic folk and heavy rock/metal. Most metal heads aren’t coming out to hear chilled out melancholic folk. In fact, folk music can engender chronic existential rage and/or hives in the average metal head.  And vice versa.

(4) If one act out of a lineup of four cancels, instruct your doorman to discourage punters from coming into the venue because “the first act’s not playing.” (Come to think of it, instructing your doorman to divert punters for any reason whatsoever, barring the presence of a wide-eyed homicidal maniac in the venue. And even then, try giving them the option.)

(5) Forget to turn up to the gig that you are promoting. That’s kind of a BS move.

Here, to counterbalance the gloom, are some good things to do when promoting a gig that I have recently stumbled across:

(1) Offer your artist unlimited local delicious draft ales to drink; pre, during and post-set.

(2) Have an MC who wears a glorious big hat, is fabulously charming and entertains with the voice of Tony Blackburn on amphetamines.

(3) Absolutely book The Ackerleys. This acoustic duo will melt your heart with the purest and sweetest of harmonies, effortlessly sweeping melodies, gorgeous vocals and starkly beautiful arrangements. If you are a fan of the likes of the Civil Wars, you would be mad as a hatter not to catch these guys live.

 (4) Have a punter selling one pound cups of Pimms at the back of the venue. Vocally. In the style of an aggressive if not slightly unhinged market trader. Between each song. After all, every gig is enhanced by the excessive consumption of Pimms. (NB. Other alcoholic beverages are also available).

(5) Actually promote the gig. Reawaken the vast swathes of the dormant population who have fallen into a drowsy slumber, forgetting that on their very doorstep is heart-crunching talent of heavy magnificence and musical devastation that will blow away the brittle plasticky cloned dross that passes for ‘music’ on reality tv and so much of commercial radio. Remind the world that real live music still exists, and that to partake in the goodness of it is an intrinsic part of the miracle of life.

As always, thanks a million to the lovely peeps who always surprise me by turning up to the great and grizzly gigs alike. You’ll be pleased to know that I am choosing to exercise a little more discretion in the future when selecting which gigs I actually play. As such, I am expecting a few crackers to crop up in the calendar this summer. It will be a pleasure to see you there.